Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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