Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
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So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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