the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
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she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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