If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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