Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize