ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
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Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
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DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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