i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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