i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize