Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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