God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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