I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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