I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He passed out mid-signature
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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