Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
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Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
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We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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