I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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