Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Enjoy the penises
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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