Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize