walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We got so high we made milksteak
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
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i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
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What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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