it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
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All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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