I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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