I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
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You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
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He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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