I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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