His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
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he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
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For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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