my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
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I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
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You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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