i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
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i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
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My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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