So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
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Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
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I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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