So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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