I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
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You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
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I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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