So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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