I want to walk on stilts...naked
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
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For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
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I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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