Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
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I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
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Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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