I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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