Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
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We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
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He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Dear god my vagina.
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