My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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