she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
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They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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