My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're making bets on your personal life
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize