omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
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I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
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My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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