she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just made my gag reflex go away.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
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I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
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I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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