dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
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hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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