I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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