There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
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Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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