If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
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I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
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230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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