A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
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Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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