these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
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Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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