I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize