My room smells like vodka and shame
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dont lie about slip and slides
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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