1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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