I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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