I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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