when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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