I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize